Funk-a-delic
Task 50, March 13 to March 20
“There is, they say, no fool like an old fool.” William Golding
I haven’t written in a few weeks because I’ve been lethargic, mired in a complacency-induced rut and unable to get even mildly upset about anything, which is NOT me. People who know me know that until recently I spent every day partially enraged or bitterly complaining or at least bitching about something that I couldn’t control.
But this article in AARP Magazine pulled me out of my funk. Now, I don’t like AARP Magazine. AARP is one of those companies that once it has you in its clutches, it does NOT let go, so like it or not you’re getting a magazine every month (and a Bulletin–what’s the difference? Not much) plus insurance come-ons ($2 Million Dollars Whole Life for $1 a Month!!!) and other unsolicited “deals”. But that’s not why I don’t like AARP Magazine. I don’t like it because it’s written for old people! I see old people every day–I live with one! And I don’t need to read about how to “cure chronic pain” or “I fell down and can’t get up!!!!!”, or “remedies for cognitive issues”.
And AARP assumes that boomers are only interested in boomer celebrities. I don’t care about Henry Winkler. Or Cher. Or Judy Dench. (the exception is Mickey Roarke–he’s nuts and it’s fun to watch him careen through his golden years. And Christy Brinkley. She’s exempt because she’s still hot, even though she made the mistake of marrying another untalented old man I don’t care about, Billy Joel). I want to read about YOUNG trainwrecks like Justin Bieber and Blake Lively and Sydney Sweeney and my hero Britney Spears!
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But I digress. Back to the article in the AARP Magazine that pulled me out of my funk. It was entitled HOW I LOST MY LIFE SAVINGS IN 76 DAYS. And guess what it’s about? An 82 year old man who falls in love with a girl he meets by text…need I say more? What a SAP!
The initial text read: are you free tomorrow? We are going to have a bbq… and this idiot (Steve) bought into it and wrote back: you mean Jack’s picnic? OH NO! She writes back, My name is Daisy Miller and I’m 37 years old. How about you? Steve He tells her that he’s 72 ( which he thought would be more palatable for her than 82, like there’s a huge difference) and the relationship is off and running.
It goes from that text, to romance (daily Zooms, “date nights”), to business: she wants him to invest in some gold options…so he lies to his investment broker and invests 20K, and in the end, 76 days later, Steve ends up losing 271K–all his savings! PLUS, GET THIS–after the $271,000.00 was gone, he took out ANOTHER 20K loan to add to the money already “invested” because Daisy said that he could increase his profits even more.
His excuse: “I was lonely, and gullible enough to fall for it despite all the red flags waving in my face…”
Well Steve, I know it’s too late but here are the five rules for old boomer men with over $15 in the bank:
Don’t answer the phone unless the person on the other end is your wife or kids. NO ONE ELSE. Even then be skeptical.
Don’t answer texts. ANY TEXT.
If you’re stupid enough to ignore #s 1 and 2, HANG UP THE PHONE OR DELETE THE TEXT. DO NOT ENGAGE!
Don’t answer the phone.
Don’t answer any texts.
You’re welcome.