"love actually", is actually stupid.
Task 46, December 19 to December 26.
“I’m Colin, God of Sex.” Colin, “love actually”.
I was admittedly in a poor mood last week when I wrote about the inane Christmas letters that are stuffed into Christmas cards. When the story was published I thought “now I feel better, more in the holiday spirit!”
It didn’t last. Well, okay it lasted nearly a week, until my wife insisted that I watch “love actually”. I won’t lie—I’ve seen it before. But this time, whether it was because I was sober, or the toxic effect of the Christmas letter hadn’t been fully expunged, or maybe it was because I’d just finished some poorly rendered pizza, but the movie left me shaking my head and pissed off again.
It’s a stupid movie. And because I can’t let it go, I’m going to explain WHY it’s a stupid movie.
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First of all, it’s more of a fever dream than a movie. Unlike maybe 99.9% of other movies, ESPECIALLY Christmas movies, it doesn’t have one plot, it has 9. Count ‘em:
A Prime Minister rom-com. (Billy Bob Thornton as a horny American President. How far-fetched is that? Wait, maybe not…) Plus, Hugh Grant is Prime Minister, and he’s lusting after a someone he supervises? Sound a lot like what’s going on in Ann Arbor.
A cheating spouse drama. THE CAD! No actor, not even one who’s played a terrorist, should EVER accept a role in which he has to cheat on Emma Thompson. Especially for the office skank.
A stalker-ish cue-card confession. (with the clean shaven “Walking Dead Guy”—only in this drama HE’S the zombie) This plot really bugged me. Have some self-respect, man. You’re pursing your best friend’s wife!!!!
A kid learning drums to impress a crush. (Gag) They treat him like he’s Ringo Starr.
A guy flying to Wisconsin because “American girls are horny” (???) This plot insults Englishmen, American women, and the state of Wisconsin. Does the reverse work? If I fly to London will I get pursued by randy English girls (not the Jeff of today, of course—the Jeff when he was 25…actually forget it—I had no game whatsoever when I was 25).
The writer and the housekeeper who speaks Polish. Or Portuguese. Whatever it is, it wasn’t intelligible, or particularly romantic.
The Lonely Graphic Designer who has the needy, on-the-spectrum brother that she can’t ignore long enough to get laid. (this storyline, by the way, is never resolved).
The deranged rock star and his long-suffering manager. I like Bill Nighy. He’s a naughty old man—and by the way, I’ve never seen a movie in which he wasn’t at least 60 years old.
Liam Neeson. He doesn’t kill a single person for the entire movie!
See? Utter nonsense. I’m better than that—Valerie! Turn on the Hallmark Channel! “A Very Nutcracker Christmas is about to start!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!