STATE O' THE UNION
Task 52, April 10 to April 17
“The problem with political jokes is that they get elected”. Harry Cates
Politicians are all crazy right now–on both sides of the aisle. Why can’t we elect normal people, men and women who aren’t nuts? In the future, here is the criterion:
You can’t run for office unless you have been married for at least 25 years. And parented at least two children.
You can’t qualify until a background check is run on your KIDS. That will tell you all you need to know about the candidate.
PLUS, you must have experience:
–Changing a tire on a car, or the oil.
–Selling something door to door.
–Getting drunk and puked in some bushes.
–Been arrested, at least once.
–Invested in penny stock, and lost everything you invested.
–Thought AI stood for Allan Iverson.
–Made love on a golf course–in the daytime.
–Sported a mullet.
–Cried when your football team lost.
–Tried to jump over a fence, come up short, and landed on a fence post when you were dating your wife, which nearly ended the relationship.
–Made paella with bad shrimp which resulted in several people experiencing the runs, including your future mother-in-law, which like the fence jumping situation caused some pre-marital trepidation from your future wife.
–And in no particular order of stupidity: got into a bar fight with a trained mixed martial arts fighter, stepped in dogshit, took off your underwear and wiped your shoes with it, and zipped yourself in a suitcase and got stuck.
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Now, given the above criteria, I am the only person in America that is eligible to run for office, so I’m going to run for president. I will announce my candidacy on instagram soon. And when I am elected, I am going to sign the following executive orders on day one:
–No more commercials on “moderate to severe plaque psoriasis” .
–Every kid who identifies as Gen-Z has to spend one week working at Home Depot.
–Piercings on the nose, lips, tongue and especially below the belly button are hereby permanently banned.
–The KFC Mac ‘N Cheese Famous Bowl is proclaimed the official American food.
–No more television shows that begin with the title “The Real Housewives of…”
–Any podcast that features any member of the Kelce family is hereby canceled. Immediately.
–If you are convicted of a misdemeanor, regardless of the crime, the sentence is spending one week cleaning the restrooms at a DMV office.
–The model Clavicular is deported to Sri Lanka. Immediately.
–Crocs are illegal for men.
–Justin Bieber is banned from social media.
–Everyone aged 60 and over is eligible to receive a certificate for one free drink at a happy hour of your choice. Immediately.
Thank you for your attention. Jeff
TASK: Write down your own executive orders.