Takin' Care of Business
TASK 54, May 22 to May 29
“I don’t depend on anyone to feed me. What I need, I am capable of attaining. Even happiness is something I can get on my own.” Anon.
With a lightin’ bolt–that’s how I take care of business–just like Elvis demanded of the Memphis Mafia!
I’m self-sufficient. I cook like Bobbie Flay, decorate like Martha Stewart, clean like Mr. Clean and do laundry like, well, someone who’s really good at doing laundry! I watch clothes-folding videos on Youtube (you should see me work my magic on a fitted sheet); I even buy my own underwear.
No brag, just fact. Unfortunately, that’s not true for many of my boomer brothers, who are woefully dependent on their partners. I have guy friends who don’t know how to work the dishwasher, who don’t know the difference between a sauce pan and frisbee, or why the hell there’s a box of baking soda in the freezer. A single friend of mine invited me over to his condo for spaghetti and meatballs–he strained the pasta with a tennis racket and served meat balls that had the consistency of a Titleist Pro-V1 golf ball.
Now, I wasn’t always so gifted. As a matter of fact, I was so coddled as a boy by my mother and sister that when I went to college I would have starved to death if I didn’t have meal tickets, I couldn’t operate a washing machine–and I used dishwashing liquid as body wash.
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But I learned. I had to. I left for California within a few weeks of graduating, and suddenly I was living alone in Los Angeles and if I didn’t want to die I had to learn how to cook, and if I wanted to attract a woman I shouldn’t be washing myself with lemon Dawn.
But here’s the point to all of this. My wife has more than a few girlfriends who are divorced or widowed–and they don’t want to get remarried, or even date, because the men their age who are also divorced or widowed are Labor Diggers / Hobosexuals (slang for a man who moves in with or exploits an independent woman to avoid paying his own way or to have his domestic needs (cooking, cleaning) met).
Sad, but true. So guys, if you don’t want to spend your twilight years sitting alone in a dirty apartment, wearing dingy clothes and smelling like the inside of the cabinet below your sink, learn the following:
How to boil water:
How to load the dishwasher: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=how+to+load+the+dishwasher
How to make scrambled eggs: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=how+to+make+scrambled+eggs
How to wash clothes: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=how+to+use+a+washing+machine
How to mop your floors: https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=how+to+mop+your+floor
And here’s a video on whether to use soap or body wash:
This is the starter kit. For more info, send an email to: oldpeoplethisweek@gmail.com, and I will list twenty more videos for your educational needs.
A year from now, after you’ve made dinner for your lady friend and cleaned up, and you lolling on her king sized bed and she’s smiling adoringly at you–you’ll thank me.
Task: Get busy, brothers!