THE OLD MAN DANCE
Task 55, May 29 to June 5
“…Shoot an arrow like cupid, and I’ll use a word that don’t mean nothin’, like loopid” Digital Underground.
I worked at Fox Television in the late 80s. It was my job to concoct a rap video show to compete with MTV’s “Yo MTV Rap”. I came up with a show we called “Pump It Up”, starring Dee Barnes. We interviewed most of the most-fly rap groups of the day, ranging from Public Enemy to NWA to Digital Underground. I loved Digital Underground. They were based in Oakland and had a massive hit song call the “Humpty Dance” (trivia: Tupac Shakur was in the band). I got to know the lead singer, whose real name was Mark Jacobs, and we saw each other socially a couple of times. A year after we promoted the band and the single on the show his management sent me a framed platinum sales award that hangs in my office.
And that’s the first thing I happened to see this morning when I woke up, gingerly crept out of bed, rubbed my shoulders and shuffled to the kitchen. Later, sitting at my desk, looking at the award, I got inspired. So here’s the Seventy Dance, sung to the tune of the “Humpty Dance”. Peace…
THE SEVENTY DANCE
Okay stop watcha doin’
Cause I’m about ruin
The image and the style that you’re used to–
I look funny, I’m old like a mummy,
These lines are kind punny–but I ain’t no dummy…
So gather ‘round and hear what I say,
I forgot my keys three times today.
Got readers on my forehead, two mismatched socks,
I scream like a sissy when the postman knocks…
My knees make noises when I get outta bed,
I hear snap, crackle, pop before I raise my head.
My wife speed dials the ambulance,
Come on everybody, do the Seventy Dance!
(Chorus)
Do the Seventy Dance!
Do the Seventy Dance!
It’s your chance to do the Seventy Dance!
Take two steps forward, one step back,
Take your pills so you don’t have a heart attack .
Wave your cane in the air, pull up your pants,
Everybody’s doing the Seventy Dance!
I got a pill for the morning and a pill for the night,
A pill to make the other pills work just right.
My doctor knows my first name—that’s not a good sign,
He said lay off the cheetos and stop drinkin’ the wine.
I remember every song from ‘73,
But I can’t remember what my wife is askin’ me.
I fell on my ass and it ruined my stance,
Come on everybody, do the Seventy Dance!
Do the Seventy Dance!
Do the Seventy Dance!
It’s your chance to do the Seventy Dance!
Stretch your back and rotate your hips,
Then complain about inflation and bathroom trips.
Tell the same story twice at every chance,
Everybody’s doing the Seventy Dance!
I ain’t old, I’m vintage, that’s what I say,
I purr like a Chevy and poop every day.
Might move a little slower but I still like romance,
I bring the heat to the Seventy Dance!
TASK: Find your inner Humpty.