The Thing Speaks for Itself
Task 18. April 26 to May 3
"Res Ipsa Loquitur"
There is no beast that walks, slithers, crawls or swims on God's great earth that can pull a bonehead move like an American male. It is as though they (actually, we. Yes, I am a man and I am not above shunting aside common sense and acting inanely) are endowed with life, liberty--indeed the freedom--to act recklessly, insanely, and make monumentally bad decisions.
Today I have three glorious examples of folly; they are all from my archive--number three is the all-time greatest.
3) Dallas. December. A guy (David J) was sentenced to 30 years in jail for abducting 3 women at gunpoint from a convenience store, forcing them to buy bags of Flaming Doritos and 5 Hour energy drinks and drive around with him to look at Christmas lights. David was found guilting of kidnapping and aggravated assault. Why? He said that he "was depressed and wanted some company".
2) Cleveland. May. Two elderly men, each one armed with an antique pistol, fired 12 shots at each other in an apartment house hallway without either one of them getting hit. The men, one 77 and the other 76, stood only 5 feet apart during the gun battle. Police theorized that they missed because one of the men needed a cane to prop himself up and the other had trouble seeing because of glaucoma. They were released after they each declined to press charges against the other. The 76 year old said that they were fighting over a grudge "that goes way back."
3) The GOAT: Larry Walters of San Pedro, Ca. On July 2nd, 1982, Larry, a truck driver, while drinking beer in his girlfriend's back yard, decided that he wanted to take flight--on an aluminum lawn chair. Larry drove to an outdoor/army store and purchased 42! helium filled weather balloons and some heavy rope. The idea, he explained to his girlfriend and an unnamed buddy, was simple: he would tie the balloons to the chair, as well as the rope--which would be tied to his Jeep--and he would float into the air for a bit and enjoy a beer, then he would shoot out some balloons with a pellet gun and waft slowly back to earth. After a few more beers Larry secured the balloons and sat in the chair, which slowly rose into the air...someone cut the rope from the Jeep, and he was airborne!
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It rose--quickly. So quickly that within minutes the lawn chair was several hundred feet in the air and Larry was terrified and clutched the chair arms. The wind current was blowing him west, toward the Pacific Ocean--and over the controlled air space of the Los Angeles International Airport.
Then the lawn chair shot up like a space rocket. It eventually reached 16,000 feet--that's over 3 miles--where at least 2 airline pilots saw him--at that point Larry grabbed the pellet gun and started shooting out the balloons. And though he accidentally dropped the gun, he started to descend--actually, he started to FREE FALL.
The lawn chair lurched about as it fell, and the balloons eventually wrapped around some power lines, which took out the electricity of the city of Long Beach for 20 minutes. Larry was able to grab onto a telephone pole and shimmy to the ground before he was electrocuted. He was, of course, arrested. A reporter asked Larry why he had done it. Larry replied, "a man can't just sit around".
Larry appeared on Letterman and the Today show, but the FAA was not amused--they charged him with flying a "civil aircraft for which there is not currently in effect an airworthiness certificate" and fined him $1500.00.
Well done, my friend. Well done.
TASK:
Think about the stupid stuff you've done that might have (should have!) ended with you divorced, in jail, or dead.